The Best Of The Cullens
by alicecullen5747
Summary: The most weirdest times the Cullen's have ever experienced........ Mostly Emmett's fault.
1. The Striptease

**My new fanfiction! :D**

**About the most classic and dumb ass situations the Cullen's have found themselves in! Enjoy.**

**Alice's POV**

We were all sat in the front room. Carlisle and Esme on the loveseat. Rose and Emmett on the other couch. Jasper, Bella, Edward and I on the bean bags on the floor.

"So, what's the plan today?" Emmett shouted.

"Emmett there's no need to shout. We can hear you perfectly fine." Carlisle shouted back.

"You just shouted though!"

"To get you to stop shouting!"

"But....... Never mind. What's the plan today?"

Carlisle sighed.

"ZOOOOOOOO!!!" Jasper shouted.

"Jasper, no shouting allowed. Carlisle will get angry again!"

Carlisle sighed.

"I want to go to the zoo." I decided I would go along with my husband.

"Me too." Esme piped in.

Soon everybody had agreed to go to the zoo.

When we arrived Emmett wanted to look at the hamsters.

"Emmett, we could have gone to a pet store to look at hamsters. I want to see the penguins!" What? Penguins are cute. Emmett looked at me.

"Fine! But we'll see the hamsters next!" We all sighed.

We all started walking towards the penguins. Jasper walked next to me and whispered in my ear.

"Want me to get one for you? Nobody would know."

I laughed and nodded. Suddenly he was out of sight. A couple of seconds later he came back. With a penguin in his arms.

I squeaked.

"It's so cute! I'm calling it Colin!"

Emmett turned round and jumped back.

"You know I'm scared of penguins!"

"We're going to see the penguins Emmett."

"I know, but they're behind bars!"

"This is Colin, he wont hurt you."

Suddenly Emmett lunged at Colin and grabbed him. I screamed.

Emmett had Colin!

He started running. I followed.

I don't really understand what happened next.

One moment I saw Emmett beginning to fall. I went to stop but skidded into him and knocked him flat on his back. With me under him. And Colin right next to me. I couldn't move. Emmett was too big to budge. I was stuck.

Then Emmett and Colin were gone. And Jasper had picked me up.

The rest of our family was stood behind Jasper. They were all laughing.

"Right, thank you Emmett. You have ruined another perfectly good day out! I'm going home!" I cried. I ran off with Jasper hot on my heels.

When we got home we went to our bedroom.

"Do you want me to do a strip tease for you love?"

I nodded, he always knew how to cheer me up. **(Thank you Hannah for this idea. You genius!)**

He put some tunes on. I sat on the bed ready. It's so funny when he does this. He looks like a moron. He thinks I really enjoy it though. Poor Jasper.

**Rosalie's POV**

The next few moments were the worst of my life.

I followed Alice and Jasper home. I didn't want to stay at the zoo. The most dumb ass idea I've ever heard. Vampire's at the zoo? Pathetic.

So I went to see if she was OK. Big mistake.

There was Jasper in his little shorty shorts and Alice in hysterics watching him.

I coughed just as he was taking these little shorty shorts off.

He screamed like a baby when he saw me and when bright red. I smirked and threw his pants back. This made Alice laugh even more.

"I didn't know you were a stripped Jasper. Wait til Emmett hears this!"

Jasper went to run after me. Big mistake number two.

He hadn't put his pants back on.

Everybody else had followed me home. They walked through the door just as Jasper ran through the hall way with no clothes on.

Esme screamed. Carlisle choked. Emmett and Edward burst out laughing.

"My eyes! My beautiful eyes!" I had to agree with Bella about that. It was not a pretty sight.

Jasper screamed like a girl. Again. And ran up the stairs.

Emmett nearly died he was laughing so hard. We all went and collapsed on the couch.

"Guess what?" Edward said.

Everybody shook there heads.

"Alice knew this was going to happen. She told me to film it. And I did!"

This started Emmett off again.

"Put it on youtube!" He choked out inbetween chuckles.

And so that is how the most viewed video on youtube, Jasper doing a striptease, became.

**I hope you liked it. And I hope it made you laugh. It made me laugh aswell.**

**If you review Emmett will give you homemade burnt hot chocolates!**

**Fay**

**xx**


	2. Lampshades, Fat guys and furniture

**OK, so here's chapter 2. I hope you like it. :)**

**Emmett's POV**

We were at the cinema. Going to watch this vampire film Rosalie had picked out. It was bound to be all burning in the sun and garlic nonsense.

"Eight tickets please." Alice asked the spotty, ginger teenage boy behind the counter.

"POPCORN!" I shouted. All the normal people ate popcorn at the cinema.

"Salted or sugared?" His voice was breaking.

"Both!"

"Both? OK, sure whatever."

Alice stared at me and whispered.

"We don't eat!"

"Yeah, but all the normal people eat when they go to the cinema! We can keep it as a souvenir!"

Alice looked confused. I shrugged and picked up the popcorn.

"When the film finishes, err, do you want to go out with me?" The teenager asked Rosalie.

Rosalie laughed and slapped him. So did I.

"Yeah, she's my wife. You villain, you!"(**Yes, thanks Abi. For the inspiration of you villain!)**

Alice got the tickets and we went to the screen. We all sat at the back and started watching the adverts. That's when I saw it. The Oreo biscuit advert.

"Oh, god no!" Carlisle whispered. Esme's head went in her hands.

When the doggy came on, I couldn't help it.

"GIVE HIM THE GOD DAMN OREO! LOOK AT HIS POOR LITTLE FACE!!!" I screamed.

"Emmett, shut up!" Rose said.

I sat back down. Everybody was looking at me. But I didn't care.

Bella started laughing.

"What are you laughing at?" Alice whispered.

"Emmett's such a dumb ass!" Bella whispered back.

Edward, Bella, Alice and Jasper started laughing. Carlisle and Esme had moved away from us.

"Hey, I heard that!" I said to Bella. That made her laugh again.

"Shhh! The films starting!" Jasper shouted. Yeah he screamed it right into my ear. Gosh he's loud.

"God, Jasper! Do you have to be so loud!"

The first 5 minutes of the film was about humans and vampires killing each other. HA! As if vampires were that easy to kill! I started laughing. That made Edward start laughing, then Alice, then Jasper then soon we were all laughing. Even Carlisle and Esme, who were sat right at the front.

Everybody around us told us to shut up. I put my feet up on the back of this ginger guys chair. I think I put too much force into it, as the whole row of seats wobbled, then collapsed. That made everyone start laughing again.

The big, fat ginger lad stood up.

"YOU, ME, OUTSIDE!" That made us all start laughing again.

"OK, your on!"

We both stormed outside. He slapped me across my face. I took my jacket off and watched his face go blank as he looked at my figure. His hands went all clammy. I slapped him and he went flying across the car park! Rose dragged me away. I was laughing so hard that fake tears were running down my face. I had spit on my face you see.

"Stop embarrassing us! Once again Emmett, you have ruined another perfectly good day out!" She shouted at me. I hung my head in shame.

But by the time we got home, I was still angry about ginge. When we got to the door, I kicked it down and stormed inside. I had a tantrum and trashed the living room. The carpet was ripped and the coffee table smashed. The couch was ripped up. Esme screamed.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! YOU HAVE RUINED THE ROOM EMMETT!"

"I'm sorry Esme..."

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't cover it mister! You're all going to Home Depot. And if you don't go, I'll kick you out!"

Wow, kind words from Esme, our mother.

That made Edward start laughing.

"What are you laughing at Edward Cullen?" Edward stopped laughing and looked at the floor.

I was surprised to have heard nothing from Alice. I looked at her and her face was perfectly still, with no expression on it.

Alice's POV

Home depot? NEVER! I WON'T GO! THEY CAN'T MAKE ME!

Emmett's POV

I didn't care about going to home depot, I like looking at all the lamp shades. But I knew we were going to have to trick Alice into going.

"It's OK Alice, we shall go to the mall instead."

It was as if Edward had read my mind, oh wait. He did.

Alice smiled. I didn't think she would actually fall for it. HA!

"Yay!" She clapped her hands. We all got in our cars and drove to home depot. Alice had figured it all out and was sulking in the back of my jeep.

"NOOO! DON'T MAKE ME GO IN THAT HELL.... oooohhh, nice flowers!" She rushed off and went to smell the roses. Strange pixie vampire........

"What about this orange settee?" Rosalie asked.

"Sounds alright to me. I think Esme will like it."

"What about this purple coffee table?" Jasper asked and Rose nodded.

Bella went to pick the carpet. A nice green shaggy one. We went to pay for them. That's when I saw it. An orange lampshade with blue spots on. I had to get it! I could wear it as a hat. I went to get it. Alice stared at me.

"You're not getting that and adding it to your hat collection! It's disgusting!" She shouted.

"But I want it!"

"I wont let you have it!"

"Fine! But at least come with me and help me find a nicer one!"

"Fine! Come on then."

That was easy. I didn't think she'd fall for it. I picked up a bike lock from a shelf and skipped over to Alice.

"Hey! What are you doing?!"

I had locked her in a lock that even I wouldn't be able to get out off. I put a rag in her mouth and ran. Now I could by the lampshade/hat combo!

I ran to Jasper.

"Where's Alice?"

"She said I should get this because it's beautiful! She went to look at the flowers again."

Alice's POV

I know why he left me here. So he could buy that hat! Well, stupid plan! Edward must know, he can read minds! I hopped down the aisle and saw Jasper. He was looking for me. He saw me and rushed over to untie me.

"Why did me.... Never mind. I know how to get him back! Go to Rosalie and tell her that Emmett says she needs to get a boob job!"

What a brilliant idea! Emmett was wearing that lampshade hat... GRR!

I skipped over to Rose.

"Hey Rose, Emmett told me he thinks you need to get a boob job."

Roses' face went blank. She ran to her husband and slapped him.

"Hey! Whats that for?!"

Rose just flipped her hair, pulled her top down (as if to prove something,) and she walked off to Bella and Edward.

Emmett looked at Jasper and I and we smiled and waved. His eyes went small and narrow.

When we got home, Esme loved the furniture thank god! She said it had variety and was very bright! Lovely.....


	3. Ghost Hunters

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Please can I own it?**

**Edward: Don't even bother to ask.**

**Me: OK.......**

**Chapter 3**

3rd person

"I have an idea!" Alice announced. We all looked at her.

"We could all go on Ghost Hunter, and say this place is haunted!"

Emmett laughed.

"We could get Eddie boy to dress as a ghost!"

"Emmett, NEVER call me Eddie boy again! And I don't want to dress as a ghost!"

"Too late! We've already decided!"

"Fine........." Edward went and sat on the orange settee and sulked.

"I'll go and call them!" Alice squealed. She ran off to the phone.

Alice's POV

Ghost hunters and coming tomorrow night! WOOOOO!! I'm going to be on TV!

Right, to do list:

Tell the others

Get hair and makeup done for all us girls

Get hair and makeup done for all the boys

Make Edward look like a ghost

I ran to the front room.

"Ghost Hunter is coming tomorrow night!" Cross number one of the list.

I grabbed all the girls and dragged them to my walk in wardrobe. Cross number two of the list.

10 hours later we all came down.

"God! You take ages!" Edward complained. I laughed at him.

"Well, it's your turn now!"

I grabbed them all (except Edward) and took them to my wardrobe.

4 hours later, I went to get Edward.

That's number 3 off the list, now the hardest one. Making Edward look like a ghost.

2 hours later, I had worked my magic again. He looked just like a ghost.

The doorbell rang. I rushed down to get the door.

"Hi, I'm Alice Cullen. And these are my parents Carlisle and Esme, my husband Jasper and my siblings, Emmett, Rosalie and Bella." I left Edward out because he was upstairs hiding in my wardrobe.

"Hello. We are Ghost hunter, and call you tell us where the ghost is most active? We'll concentrate on that area the most." I nodded and ran up to my bedroom. They followed.

"It usually goes in here and throws my **designer** clothes on my floor." cough cough.

A sweater flew out the doors. Right on time.

"I see, there is no ghost is there?"

"Why do you think that?"

"There's baby powder on the vanity table, white face paint and loads of white sheets everywhere."

"Damn! I meant to get rid of those."

"We'll let ourselves out. Goodbye Mrs Cullen."

I sighed and ran downstairs.

"Scary isn't it?" Jasper asked.

"They know it was fake Jasper." Edward was at the top of the stairs. Covered in white face paint, with bright red lips and a sheet covering his face and body. Emmett burst out laughing and took a photo.

Edward ran downstairs and threw Emmett into the new purple coffee table. Luckily it was plastic, so it didn't break.

Esme dragged them both upstairs.

"What have I told you about throwing yourself around!"

I started to get bored. And when I get bored I go shopping. I grabbed Jasper and made my way to the mall.

And that is why Ghost Hunters sued us for £3,000.......


	4. Wheelchair Billy

**This is a one off thing. My dad came up with the idea and I thought it was funny, but I couldn't write a chapter for it. So I wrote this instead. (No offense to Billy.)**

Billy Black is a shape shifter. When he phases he turns into a werewolf. As he is in a wheelchair he can't walk when he phases. So he has to have a massive wheel chair made especially for him. Jacob has to push him around.

He is supposed to get rid of the thugs around La Push. But he doesn't really go very fast. So it doesn't really work that well......

**Imagine Billy as a werewolf with a wheelchair! It just made me laugh so I thought I'd share. :)**


	5. Edwina

Chapter 5

EDWARD'S POV

I looked in the mirror in the hall. My hair looked beautiful (as always) my complexion was clear and spot free, and yepp my skin was lovely and pale. I sighed. I'm so gorgeous. No wonder Bella fell for me :)

Alice walked up to the mirror and stood beside me.

"You know you could pass as a girl?"

I sighed and looked at myself again. I guess I do have that lovely feminine spark in my face.

"Maybe you should be a girl for a week and see how it suits you."

She smiled and walked off.

Huh. Yeah! Maybe I should.

I went to Alice's closet and picked a dress out. She won't mind.

"Alice!"

She ran to me and coughed.

"That really suits you Edward." She smiled.

"Would you do my hair and makeup?"

"Of course dear brother." She grinned and sat me down.

1 HOUR LATER

I looked in the mirror and was pleased with what I saw.

"Now go and show Bella!" Alice said. She was grinning away.

I strutted down the hall and into the living room. Emmett and Jasper both started laughing until they were in hysterics. I frowned at them. What were they laughing at?

Bella went whiter than normal and Esme choked.

"Edward, what have you done!" Bella was crying.

"It's fine Bella, I'm just trying this out. Alice helped me."

More laughing from Jasper and Emmett. Fools.

"Alice!" Bella sobbed.

The pixie ran in and sat on Jasper's knee. "What's wrong?"

"What do you think is wrong Alice?" Esme snapped.

"It suits him." Jasper laughed and Alice hit him. He shut up.

She stood up, grabbed Bella and dragged her out into the hall.

I sat down.

"Whoa! Pull your skirt down Edwina!" Emmett choked.

I pulled the dress down with dignity.

BELLA'S POV

"My husband is now my wife Alice. How can I calm down?!" I wailed. She looked upset.

"I'm trying to make him look foolish."

"Why?"

"Because he is annoying."

"I have to agree with you there."

"Anyway, just look happy and go back in there!" She pulled me back into the other room.

EDWARD'S POV

They both came in and Bella looked happy again.

"Are you OK, my love?" She cringed. I wonder why. :(

"Of course Edward." She whispered.

"Well, I'm going shopping, anyone coming?"

Everyone looked away.

"Whatever. Laters!"

ALICE'S POV

Now he was gone I could tell the others about the plan.

"Hey! Ssh! Listen." Everyone looked at me.

"I'm going to tell Bella to leave Eddie boy."

"But I'm not leaving him!"

"I knooow. It's part of the plan. Bella's going to tell Edward she's leaving him, then Jazz and Em will take him to a football game to clear his head. Then one of them **cough cough** Emmett, will do one of those proposal things that comes up on the big screen." I looked around and smiled.

"Why do I have to propose? Why can't Jasper do it?" Em asked.

"Because Jazz is shy." Jazz nodded and Emmett looked sad.

"What will happen after that?" Esme asked.

"Edward will still be dressed as a girl and be really embarrassed and everyone will call him a fool because I've told all the vamps in the other covens to watch the football game." I grinned, as did everyone else.

Edward walked into the room.

"The mall's shut."

Bella stood up. Good girl. I nodded at her encouragingly.

"Edward, can I talk to you?"

He nodded. "Sure thing, doll face." She sobbed again.

BELLA'S POV

I took him to the dining room.

"Hey. The thing is.... I don't know how to tell you this, I'm leaving you."

He slapped the table. "WHAT?" He looked devastated.

"I'm leaving you."

"OHMYGOD," **sigh** "WHY?"

"I guess I need someone more...... manly to support me." He nodded and sobbed.

"Well, if that's what you really want."

It would break my heart if I didn't know it was a lie. He stormed out of the room. I heard Jazz and Em lead him out of the house.

EMMETT'S POV

Jasper and I took Edward to the ball game. He/she was sobbing into his/her purse.

At half time, I got ready. I took the ring out and knelt on the floor. Jasper turned his laugh into a coughing fit. I glared at him.

Edwina looked down, shocked and confused. The announcement came onto the screen.

"Edwina, you mean the world to me. Will you marry me?"

"WHAT! NO! I'm not a woman, I'm a man. And my name's Edward, not Edwina. You batty crease!" He stormed off. Jazz and I high-fived and took off. Alice was going to be dead if we didn't get there before he did.

And what the hell is a batty crease? The moron.


End file.
